The Scarlet Devil Mansion is Now Hiring
by DeltaNovember
Summary: To raise money, Konpaku Youmu takes a job at the Scarlet Devil Mansion as Sakuya's apprentice. There she will learn the ins and outs of how the mansion operates, how to perform as a maid, and no doubt be teased by the mansion's residents. Slice of life.
1. Chapter 1

_The Scarlet Devil Mansion is Now Hiring_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou. Cover image by 3speed with overlaid logo. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 1**

Youmu sighed as she stared into the vast emptiness that was the inside of Yuyuko's cabinets. Food was their biggest expense by far, only one problem of many while living with a voracious ghost. Youmu shuddered to think of what Yuyuko would find to eat when she realized they had no food in the house.

It's not as if Youmu forgot to do the shopping, or anything so simple. No, the sad truth is they didn't have the money for it. As far as Youmu knew, the Hakugyokuro didn't actually have any income in the first place, so it was only a matter of time. Worse, it wasn't even a justifiable expense: both of them were ghosts.

With one final sigh, Youmu shut the cabinets. She could make oatmeal, but that was it. It pained her she could not prepare something better for Yuyuko, but such is her life. Or, rather, her afterlife.

"Ehhh..." Yuyuko looked down at her bowl of oatmeal. "...Yo...Youmu, can't I have something better?"

"Sorry Lady Yuyuko, but there is nothing else."

"Ehhhh...? Then can't you go to the store?"

Youmu shook her head. "Sorry Lady Yuyuko, but we don't have the money."

Yuyuko grumbled and began eating her oatmeal. Youmu could sense when she wasn't wanted, and retreated out the back door. It was for the best, Yuyuko often looked at Youmu's ghost part strangely when she wasn't satisfied with her meals.

There was a grand staircase leading up to their home, and Youmu was its de facto guard. When she wasn't gardening or serving Yuyuko, she stood watch there. It was rare for anyone to actually intrude, but Youmu enjoyed standing guard. It was relaxing, and in a way, felt right.

A gust of wind carried Yuyuko's lofty voice. "Youmu~"

Youmu turned around to see Yuyuko floating towards her, bobbing up and down with the wind. A newspaper laid in her hands, one of those terrible editions of Bunbunmaru News.

"Yes, Lady Yuyuko?"

"Youmu, look at this." Yuyuko held up the half-folded over newspaper, displaying an ad. Youmu looked at it closely, but wasn't sure what to make of it.

**Scarlet Devil Mansion – Maid Apprenticeship Position**

_Izayoi Sakuya is offering a 10-week apprenticeship at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. The course will cover everything required to be a proper maid, from cooking and cleaning to maintaining one's presence and elegance at all times. Applicants are recommended to put their affairs in order before applying._

Youmu looked up from the ad. "Lady Yuyuko, is there something I should be seeing here?" The position interested Youmu to be sure, but taking a ten-week hiatus away from Yuyuko was unacceptable.

"Keep reading, keep reading." At Yuyuko's insistence, Youmu turned her gaze back to the ad. At the bottom was a short line in fine print:

_Successful graduates will receive a £50,000 stipend._

"Ah...Lady Yuyuko..." Youmu had a bad feeling. "...could you possibly be implying..."

Yuyuko smiled and waved the newspaper back and fourth. "You can do it, Youmu. I believe in you~"

...which is how Konpaku Youmu found herself standing in front of the imposing gates of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, a single suitcase gripped in her hand. Youmu had been against it for all the good that it did, worried that Yuyuko would be unable to care for herself. Yuyuko insisted she would be fine with Yukari to help.

If she was being honest with herself though, Youmu was looking forward to it. She greatly admired Izayoi Sakuya. An apprenticeship with her would be a high honor and Youmu couldn't help but blush at the thought.

"We don't take strays."

Youmu jolted up at the voice. She turned her gaze to see a tall woman with sunset-orange hair. Hong Meiling, the gate guard.

"I'm sorry?"

Meiling lazily pointed towards the suitcase. "If you're looking for a place to crash, we don't take strays. Try the Hakurei Shrine."

"Ah, no no," Youmu shook her head back and fourth. "I'm here about the, er, apprenticeship position..."

"Whoops, sorry." Meiling laughed. "I forgot that ad was out there. You're the first person...brave enough, I guess, to actually show up."

Youmu wasn't sure what to make of that, but watched in silence as Meiling unlocked the gate. Once the chains were undone it swung easily on its hinges, inviting Youmu into the house of the devil.

"Knock on the front door," Meiling instructed. "Sakuya will greet you, and from there...well, good luck." Meiling gave a thumbs up and a wink. Youmu nodded and walked through the gate as it shut behind her.

The mansion was even more imposing up close, and Youmu had to muster her courage to actually ring the knocker on the wooden door. Only a few seconds went by before she heard the sound of deadbolts shifting.

The door slowly creaked inwards to reveal the form of Izayoi Sakuya, wearing her pristine maid uniform as always. Every detail about her was perfect: her clothes, her hair, her nails, even her stance and how she gripped the doorknob while she opened it. It was a strange realization, that there could be a _proper _way to open a door. Youmu was in awe.

Sakuya bowed. "Welcome to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Miss Konpaku. Please come in." She shifted away from the entry and stood to the side, closing her eyes and keeping her head down.

The temperature dropped at least ten degrees as Youmu walked in. Once the door closed behind her there was barely enough light to see by. There were no windows and only a few dim lanterns on the wall.

"Miss Konpaku, may I ask the nature of your visit?" Sakuya stood to Youmu's side, her hands in front of her pressed against her apron. "Mistress Remilia will not be awake for a few hours."

"Ah, well actually I...er, I'm here about the maid apprenticeship..."

Youmu thought she saw an actual look of surprise come across Sakuya's face, although it could have been just a trick of the light. "I'm glad to hear that," she said. "But I must warn you of a few details. First, if you want to work here your time no longer becomes your own. If you have any appointments in the next ten weeks, cancel them. You will not be making them. Do not expect to see any of your friends and family unless they come to the mansion in person, and even then you may not get the chance. To work here means you are a maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It means that Remilia Scarlet owns you, and it means I am your boss. For ten weeks, at least."

The speech was scary, as Youmu was sure it was intended to be. Her heart beat hard in her chest, but if she was going to do this, she had to go all the way. Though there was that feeling she was getting in over her head. She nodded.

"Second," Sakuya continued. "The mansion is dangerous, in many ways. It is large and convoluted, so getting seriously lost is a very real possibility. Miss Patchouli runs magic experiments in her library, many of which have a tendency of exploding. Low level youkai routinely attack the gate. Kirisame Marisa regularly breaks in and usually flings spells around when pursued. Mistress Remilia is sometimes overly sadistic, especially when she's offended. But most of all, one of our residents is mentally unstable and has the power to literally destroy you on a whim."

Sakuya paused, and let Youmu's mind catch up with what she had said. That was quite the list, and that last one was mysterious in its own right. Youmu wasn't sure who that was referring to.

"That being said," Sakuya said with a smile. "I'm still alive, and I've been working here...quite awhile. As a half-ghost, I'm not sure what can harm you, but do what I tell you to do and you'll be perfectly safe."

Youmu nodded again. When Sakuya asked if she had any questions, she lowered her gaze. "Sorry to, er, say this Miss Sakuya, but the only reason Yuyuko let me do this is because of the...well...money..."

"I see." She looked disappointed. "Well, at the end there will be a test of sorts. If you can meet my minimum requirements for passing, you'll be paid. If you don't, you get nothing." Sakuya relaxed her arms. "On the other hand, if you do pass then you'll be qualified to work here part time for payment, at your leisure. We always could use another set of hands."

There was an awkward silence, and Youmu fidgeted. She didn't really have any more actual questions. "So, er, when do I start?" She tried to smile.

Sakuya pulled out her silver pocket watch and took a glance. "In about three hours, when the mistress wakes up. There's a few things we must cover before then, but for now I'll show you to your quarters."

Youmu's suitcase disappeared from out of her hand. She jerked her arm in response, but quickly shook off her surprise. Everyone knew Sakuya's ability—time manipulation—and Youmu tried to regain her composure.

Sakuya led her through a number of doors and hallways, the pattern of which Youmu couldn't keep up with. It was too convoluted. She did notice the hallways grew narrower, although the decoration wasn't any less regal. Scarlet carpets and stone walls with lanterns hung at even intervals.

"I'll need to take your measurements, Youmu." Sakuya said. "For your uniform. Would you like me to do it in real time or in stopped time?"

"Uh, real time I guess." Youmu scratched the back of her neck. "Stopped seems a little...creepy."

They rounded a corner into a new hallway, which had three doors on either side and one last door that terminated at the end. Sakuya led her to the last door on the right, which Youmu saw her name on. Engraved. Sakuya turned the knob and the door swung inward, gesturing for Youmu to enter.

It was larger than she thought. Definitely larger than her room at the Hakugyokuro. There was a bed in one corner, a couch, and a desk. Youmu spun around looking at it, and then opened a door to see she also had a private bathroom.

"This is amazing," she said.

"I'm glad you think so. If there's one thing we're not in short supply of, it's space." Sakuya entered the room and closed the door behind her. "You may consider this room yours, and I and the fairy maids will respect that. However, there is no lock on the door." Sakuya gestured to the knob. "This is to remind you that this is not _truly _yours, it and you are owned by Remilia Scarlet. You do not have a right to privacy."

Youmu stared at Sakuya. "Being a maid seems degrading..."

"Perhaps," she responded simply. "To me, pledging oneself wholly and completely to the service of another is more intimate a gesture than marriage. I don't expect you to share my feelings for Remilia, but I don't doubt you would do just as much for Lady Yuyuko. In any case, strip."

A beat later Youmu's face flushed red. "W-What?"

"I need to take your exact measurements. Remove your clothing."

Youmu brought her arms up in front of her chest. "Wait, c-can't you just measure with my clothes on?"

"No, it's not precise enough. Hurry up please."

Youmu waited for Sakuya to leave, or turn around, or do anything but stand there and stare. When it became clear she wasn't leaving, Youmu reluctantly started to disrobe. She took off her top and skirt, folded them neatly and placed them on the bed. When Sakuya gestured for her to continue, she made a squeak and started to undo the hook on her bra.

"I'm illustrating a point, obviously." Sakuya said. "You'll need to get over your embarrassment."

Once Youmu was completely exposed, Sakuya pulled out the measuring tape and got to work. She took a _lot _of measurements, far more than Youmu realized needed to be taken. Her heart was beating out of her chest the entire time, in stark contrast to Sakuya's controlled demeanor.

There was a brief pause when Sakuya stood back, and then a folded uniform appeared in her arms. Youmu looked at it with surprise. "Wait, did you just..."

Sakuya nodded, and placed the uniform on the bed. "I may have to make some more adjustments, so I'll help you put it on piece by piece and you can tell me how it fits."

Fitting her underwear was hard on Youmu's heart, but once that was done she became much calmer. The maid uniform was a bit difficult to get into, but it was doable just by herself. She would have to practice at it.

The uniform felt amazing. Youmu was never bothered by her clothes, but it was amazing what a difference it made to wear fitted clothes. Her _maid uniform _was more comfortable than her normal clothing. It became clear why Sakuya always wore it. And the coup de grace was the headdress, which Sakuya fastened to the top of Youmu's head. With that, the procedure was complete, Youmu only narrowly avoiding dying of embarrassment.

"You will find six identical outfits in your closet," Sakuya said. "If you need more, let me know."

"Eh? Miss Sakuya, if I may..." Youmu rubbed her arm. "How long has it been for you since we came in here?"

"Please address me as 'chief.' But to answer your question, ten hours. I get asked that a lot."

Youmu was astonished at how much more time Sakuya took. She couldn't possibly imagine what it would be like to live like that.

Sakuya let Youmu look herself over in the mirror and test out her mobility in her new uniform. After a few minutes of this, Sakuya coughed to interrupt. "Youmu, it will be a few hours until Remilia wakes up. I would like you to explore the mansion and try to get your bearings. It will be hard, and don't expect spacial reasoning to assist you."

"Yes, chief." Youmu saluted. Sakuya smiled.

"Good. Before that though, we need to go over something. We call it Flandre Protocol." Sakuya reached into her uniform and pulled out a very detailed sketch, handing it to Youmu. It showed the image of a young girl. She reminded Youmu of Remilia, but her wings were drawn way differently.

"Who is this?"

"This is Flandre Scarlet, the mistress's younger sister. It is possible you will run into her at some point, and it is critical you do exactly as I say. Miss Flandre has the ability to weave destruction at its most pure, and isn't mentally sound enough to realize the implications."

Youmu stood in silence as Sakuya listed exactly what she was supposed to do if she encountered this person. If she asks to play, Youmu must make an excuse why she can't, and blame either Sakuya or Remilia. If she mentions making things go "squish" or "kyuu," Youmu is to flee immediately and assume she's about to die. Then Sakuya moved on to discussing the best way to deal with her in conversation to keep her calm and happy.

The amount of fear that these rules were crafted from astounded Youmu. Sakuya claimed that even Yukari herself had a fear of Flandre. Youmu wasn't sure she believed that, but it was clear Sakuya wasn't intentionally lying. It would be best to play it safe, Youmu thought.

After that, Sakuya left.

Youmu sat down on the edge of her bed and took a deep breath. She felt nervous. Like a schoolgirl on her first day as the teachers try to scare her. She felt vulnerable. Exposed.

It took a few minutes for her to regain some semblance of calmness, but once she did she did as instructed. Sakuya hadn't given her any real direction, so Youmu figured she'd just...get lost. She had a feeling that's what Sakuya _wanted _to happen, anyways.

Sakuya sure hadn't been lying though. It was obvious something was very wrong with the mansion less than thirty seconds into Youmu's excursion. Her room was on the corner of two hallways. However, when she left her room and turned the corner, there was _another_ door that should have also led to her room. When she opened it, there was instead another hallway. That cut through her room.

But it didn't.

The appropriate response seemed to be to roll her eyes and walk through it. Physically, it felt absolutely normal despite Youmu knowing some sort of spacial shenanigans were occurring. She tried to stay close to her room and use it as a sort of "base," keeping track of the turns she made and what doors she went through.

It took about half an hour before she made a mistake and could not get back. Instead of the hallway she thought led to her room, there was a dark passage. Even more dark than usual. The lanterns all seemed to be off, except for a single one held up by a small fairy in a maid uniform. There were two others, hovering near the wall.

"Ah, look, look, it's the new person~" The lantern-fairy turned towards Youmu as she entered.

The other fairies turned to see. "Ooh, new maid!"

Youmu walked over towards the fairies and into the light. It looked like they were replacing one of the lanterns on the wall. There was a cracked one laying on the ground, and a newer-looking one being cradled in the arms of one of the fairies.

The maid holding the lit lantern hovered around Youmu, and followed her ghost part around in the air. "New maid, what's this thing? It's weeeeird." She pointed towards the white apparition around Youmu.

"Huh? That's, uh, me. I'm half-ghost, so..."

"That's weird. I can't touch it..." The fairy followed Youmu's ghost part around in the air until the others complained they needed the light. She apologized and stayed still.

Youmu watched the fairy maids as they carefully screwed the new lamp into place on the wall. "Corporal, release the valves!" One of the fairies suddenly demanded, pointing to her partner.

The other fairy saluted, flew down to the ground and opened a small hatch in the wall. Youmu hadn't seen it before until the fairy actually opened it—it blended in that well. "Roger, releasing valves captain. Maximum power!" The fairy reached into the small alcove behind the hatch and twisted a tiny yellow valve.

Youmu heard the hissing of gas, and about twenty seconds later, all the lamps in the hallway suddenly shone. It was amazingly bright, almost like daylight. Youmu had to shield her eyes.

The fairies cheered. "All systems operational, captain!"

"Reduce power and let's return to base!"

To Youmu's disappointment, the valve-fairy spun it back again and the light level in the room dimmed to how the rest of the mansion was. Then they ran off, racing to see who could get back first. They certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Youmu couldn't help but notice they left the broken lamp lying in the middle of the hallway. She shrugged, and decided to take it with her.

She continued her excursion through the mansion, occasionally running into another group of fairy maids. It took her awhile to discern any way to navigate. She felt like she was wandering through a labyrinth.

Initially, Youmu suspected that it was intentionally convoluted. It would make a twisted sort of sense if Remilia wanted to induce some sort of artificial mystery into her home. Remilia struck Youmu as the sort of person who would like that. Still, there had to be some trick to navigate quickly. Shortcuts, or something like that.

After about a few hours, Youmu had to rethink that position. The complexity didn't seem to support it. If Youmu was designing it to confuse intruders, she would include more loops, dead ends, and overly long hallways. But there was none of that. It seemed to Youmu that every hallway did lead _somewhere,_ just not the somewhere she intended.

It wasn't until near the end of Sakuya's little time limit did Youmu realize what was truly happening. She had walked from a parlor to a billiards room, then to a hallway on the other side. About twenty minutes later of walking definitely away from the two rooms, she ended up again at the same parlor.

The room and hallway configuration wasn't complex for the sake of complexity. It was _optimized. _If she knew exactly where she was going, Youmu was confident she would be able to reach any room within a minute. The issue, of course, is she _didn't _know exactly where she was going. Nothing was marked, and there were quite a lot of rooms.

Youmu was a bit concerned, however, that despite wandering around the mansion for so long, she hadn't been able to find a lot of things she thought she would. She knew there was a great library, but never came across it. Nor did she come across Remilia's room, or Flandre's for that matter. She did find the main entrance hall, at least.

Sakuya appeared before her suddenly, no doubt from out of time itself. Her eyes darted to what was in Youmu's hands. "What do you have, there?"

"Oh, uh, I ran into some fairies fixing a lamp," Youmu said. "They left this old one on the floor, so..."

Sakuya nodded and took the lamp from Youmu. Then it disappeared. "Thank you. The fairy maids tend to technically get the job done, but don't go far beyond that." Sakuya wiped her hands on her apron. "The mistress is awake and will see you now."

As predicted, it didn't take long for them to reach a lounge. Youmu was eager to announce her deduction about the mansion, but before she could bring it up they had arrived. Sakuya opened the door, and gestured for Youmu to enter.

Mistress Remilia Scarlet was sitting on a couch, sipping a cup of coffee. In front of her was a crackling fire, reminding Youmu that it must be night already. Without any windows it was difficult to keep track of such things.

Remilia gestured for Youmu to come over, so she walked up slowly and gave a quick bow. Sakuya hadn't told to do it, but it felt proper. Remilia smiled.

"Forgive me, I am not really a morning person," she said. Youmu restrained herself from mentioning it was far from morning. Remilia sipped her mug. "You're the Hakugyokuro gate guard, correct?"

Youmu nodded.

"Might I ask why you're doing this?"

"Er, to be honest, uh, m'lady, I can only be here because Lady Yuyuko needs the money..."

Remilia chuckled. "Oh my, the things the promise of money nets me." A shifting piece of wood caught both their eyes in the fire. "My dear Sakuya is funding this one though, Youmu. This project is entirely hers. She's the expert, after all."

Youmu nodded again, and Remilia held out her hand.

"Konpaku Youmu, for the subsequent ten weeks you will be mine and mine alone, a maid of Remilia Scarlet, the Scarlet Devil. Any other allegiances you hold are suspended for this duration. Kneel and kiss the back of my hand and your vigil will begin."

Youmu sucked in a breath, but did what Remilia asked. It felt clumsy as she got down on her knees. She had witnessed Sakuya do such things countless times with amazing grace, but Youmu couldn't emulate that. At the very least she tried to control her trembling and bring her lips to Remilia's hand.

Once Youmu kissed her hand and stepped back, Remilia patted the seat next to her. "Sit," she said. Youmu did, not exactly sure what was coming. Remilia held out her hand, palm up this time. "Sakuya," she said simply.

A knife appeared in Remilia's hand, and Youmu stared at it wearily. Remilia gave her a smirk.

"I'm going to taste your blood. I'm curious what half-ghost blood tastes like." Remilia gripped the knife in one hand, and grabbed Youmu's arm with the other before she could react. "Try to hold still so I can keep the cut shallow. I won't bite you, so don't worry about contracting vampirism."

Youmu's heart suddenly beat very quickly. "Wait, I...what?" She couldn't utter a coherent sentence, but kept her arm still out of fear. Remilia was deceptively swift with the knife, and gave Youmu a light slice on her arm. It stung, red blood dripping from the wound down her arm.

Remilia brought Youmu's arm up to her mouth and ran her tongue along the line of blood. A shiver ran up Youmu's spine and her arm trembled when Remilia started to suck at the wound. Youmu closed her eyes and waited for it to be over.

Finally, Remilia lifted her face away and Sakuya held out a bandage wrap. Remilia took it, gave Youmu's arm one last lick to remove the rest of the blood and quickly pressed the bandage against her arm. She wrapped it around a few times until the wound was covered.

"Mmmm..." Remilia licked her lips. "A sweet, but fleeting taste. Not bad."

"I, uh, gah..." Youmu stared at her bandaged arm. "I don't-"

"Youmu," Sakuya interrupted. "The proper response is, 'I am glad it is to your pleasing, mistress.' Don't forget your training has started."

Youmu bit her lip. "I..I am glad it is to your pleasing...mistress."

Remilia smiled, and returned to her cup of coffee. A grimace came over her face at the difference in taste. Youmu stood up, bowed, and returned to Sakuya's side until they left the room.

"Forgive me," Sakuya said once they were in the hallway. "I was not sure if I should have warned you. We'll go over etiquette and manners in due time, but above all else you must hold yourself with pride. You mentioned before that being a maid sounded degrading. If you get embarrassed and act defensive, it will be. That sort of reaction just makes people want to poke you harder."

Youmu looked down at her feet, rubbing her bandaged arm. "What do I do, then?"

"Be above it and don't react. We'll go over this in detail later, but as I said, do what you do with pride. Whether it's cleaning the carpets or acting as the mistress's footstool. They are your duties, and you should hold no reservations about carrying them out."

Sakuya's lecture ended as they reached the kitchen. The kitchen was large, far larger than Youmu had access to at home. She was able to identify some of the machines as ovens, and there was a large range, but beyond that Youmu had no clue.

"We may as well start with cooking, since the mistress will be wanting her breakfast soon. Today she'll be having a blood omelet."

Youmu hesitated. "A..._blood_...omelet?"

Sakuya nodded, and walked over to a modern-looking refrigerator. Instead of a handle, there was a dial-like device with a red rune in the center. "The mistress takes blood with all her meals. You'll have to learn how to cook every dish both with and without it." Sakuya spun the dial until the rune turned green, and opened the fridge. "For all intents and purposes, you can just treat it as another spice."

"Sorry to pester you, chief, but what is that dial you just used for?"

"Don't be sorry," Sakuya said. "You're here to learn, and the more questions you ask the better." Sakuya pulled out a few ingredients—eggs, cheese, milk, and a few other things—before closing the fridge and pointing to the dial. "This is of Miss Patchouli and my invention, a time lock. I use it to preserve food so our ingredients are literally as fresh as the day they were harvested. Green means real time is passing inside the fridge." Sakuya spun the dial until the rune turned red. "Red means time is stopped."

There wasn't time for Youmu to appreciate the ingenuity before Sakuya begun making the omelet. She considered cooking to be one of her more impressive skills, but watching Sakuya work put things in perspective. All the basics of making an omelet were the same, but there were so many small details Youmu never would have thought of. A dash of salt here, a splash of water there, some spice Youmu didn't know the name of around the edge.

Contrary to expectations, Sakuya did not actually teach Youmu what she was doing. Instead, she talked more generally about cooking and didn't even mention the omelet. Choosing _what_ meal to serve was, according to Sakuya, even more important than cooking it properly.

The meal schedule had to be very carefully crafted so every meal seemed like a treat. The difficult part was that it couldn't be a simple routine—when a routine sets in for meals, the flavor goes from "delicious" to "expected." Sakuya admitted this wasn't entirely a bad thing: sometimes it is fun to have a "Taco Tuesday" or a "Pizza Friday," but even then it's best to mix it up with different _types _tacos or pizza.

As a maid, it was their duty to know how much the master likes each meal they serve. And although it's counter-intuitive, the master's favorite meal should be served _rarely. _In fact, it should only be served on days where the master needs a little boost of happiness. The effect of a good meal was, as Sakuya put it, stunning.

Youmu couldn't keep up when Sakuya started to discuss how choosing meals depended on _how the master's day was going. _It seemed like something incredibly difficult to keep track of, and Youmu was amazed Sakuya talked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It also apparently depended on the weather, what time of day it was, whether there were any guests, how it smelled, the texture, and a long list of other things Youmu couldn't even comprehend.

She was overwhelmed before she learned a single dish, and had a feeling she was barely even getting her feet wet.


	2. Chapter 2

_The Scarlet Devil Mansion is Now Hiring_

**Chapter 2**

"You don't get breaks."

Youmu stared slack-jawed. "I'm...I'm sorry?" She was twenty hours into her first shift already.

"As a maid, you need to always be available for your master. If she needs something, _being on break_ is not an excuse. Similarly, if something needs to be done urgently—say, a burst pipe—you must deal with it immediately. You do not get breaks. You do not get 'time off,' as such things are usually judged."

Sakuya crossed her arms, and Youmu couldn't meet her gaze.

With a sigh, Sakuya loosened her stance. "I am not _so _cruel, Youmu. I recognize the need for dedicated breaks—it actually increases efficiency overall. You may take two hours to yourself in each 24-hour period. But you still must make yourself _available_. Expect to be interrupted." Sakuya scratched her chin. "Wait, you don't need to sleep, do you?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Good. Two hours then."

Youmu gave a long sigh, which Sakuya ignored. They both walked back towards Youmu's room, although Youmu was still far from understanding the mansion's layout. She only knew where they were headed because Sakuya announced it.

It did give Youmu an opportunity to show off, though. "Chief, question." She said. "When I was wandering around earlier, it seemed to me that the mansion was designed so you could reach any room quickly no matter where you are."

"Correct, but that's not a question."

"Ah, er." Youmu cleared her throat. "Wouldn't it be more efficient to just connect every room to one central room, like a big wheel with spokes?"

"Foot traffic," Sakuya responded. "We employ a lot of fairies, and that sort of design would lead to a very crowded central room. And then it would get noisy, with so many fairies in such close proximity. It would bother the mistress. Plus, a room with that much traffic would need its carpets cleaned twice per day to maintain proper levels of cleanliness."

Youmu quieted her voice. "I didn't think of that..."

"It wasn't a bad thought." Sakuya shook her head. "But mostly, there are a few rooms intentionally out of the way. Not every room needs nor should have equal accessibility. Speaking of which, welcome to the hub."

Sakuya pushed open a smaller-sized door the same color as the wall. It blended into the background in such a way Youmu probably would have overlooked it. She entered into the room, her feet hitting a stone floor instead of the usual carpet.

The hub, as Sakuya called it, was in such contrast to the rest of the mansion Youmu almost didn't believe they were in the same building. The wooden walls were adorned not with portraits or paintings, but with chalkboards and graphs. There were tables and counters littered with junk, tools were laying about in every corner, and it seemed _dirty._

Youmu took a look at the chalkboard, but it was esoteric. On it was a grid, the rows labeled starting with "BLOCK 1" and ending at the bottom with "BLOCK 27." The columns were labeled with numerous words and acronyms, some of which Youmu could figure out such as "Dust," "Walls" and "Ceiling," but others were completely foreign. She had no idea what "Vent" or "HWE" meant. The cells contained X's, O's, and some contained dates.

When she entered the main area in the hub, Youmu counted seven fairy maids in the room. She spied one of them working on the broken lamp she had earlier, and the others all seemed to be involved with their own tasks. They tensed up a little as she and Sakuya entered.

A hand rested on Youmu's shoulder, and she turned to see Sakuya with a resigned look on her face. "I clean this room twice a day," she said. "But it never stays that way for long. This is the 'hub,' a sort of command center for keeping the mansion clean. The board describes what needs to be cleaned and when." Sakuya then gestured towards a door on the other side of the room. "Through there is the storage area. Any supplies or tools you need will be there."

Sakuya then walked through the door. Before Youmu could follow her, Sakuya emerged with a long tube coiled around her shoulder. She pulled it off and pushed it into Youmu's arms before heading back into storage. She emerged again, carrying a differently shaped tube, some brushes, and a large bottle.

"We'll start off with carpets," Sakuya said. "Follow me."

Not a minute later they arrived in what was apparently their destination, a typical hallway. Sakuya led Youmu to the middle, set down her tools and knelt down next to a small door in the wall. Youmu recognized it as the same type the fairies were using earlier.

Sakuya opened the door. "These are the lifeblood of this mansion," she explained. "Look."

Youmu looked into the alcove. She saw a line of small, yellow valves and two larger pipe ends with larger, red valves on top and small levers on the side. They were unmarked except for a single label on the back of the alcove that read "BLOCK 17."

"Wait wait wait," Youmu said. "The hallways are _numbered?" _

Sakuya nodded. "A block consists of a hallway with one of these panels, and every adjacent room. If you get lost and don't know where you are, you can use these to reorient yourself. Cleaning is handled one block at a time." Sakuya pointed towards the smaller, yellow valves. "These control the lighting in the block's rooms. The mansion uses gas lights, and you can raise or lower the light level by opening and closing the valves. Sometimes it's more helpful to brighten up the room while cleaning, but always remember to turn it back down. The mistress prefers the low light."

Youmu nodded and waited for Sakuya to continue her explanation. So far the fairies' actions were explained from earlier.

"There are two methods we use for carpet cleaning," Sakuya said. She grabbed one of the tubes, and pulled it towards the alcove. "The first is a typical surface cleaning, done with a vacuum cleaner. Take this tube, and connect it to this pipe here." She pointed to one of the pipe ends, and then stuck the open end of the tube on it. "Then be sure to twist the valve to open the pipe."

Youmu wasn't sure what to make of the situation, it was unlike any cleaning method she was aware of. Sakuya demonstrated by holding the other end of the tube, which terminated with a long metal pole with a funnel at the end, and flipping the switch in the alcove. There was a soft hum that came from within the wall, and the sound of rushing air in the tube.

"Here, feel." Sakuya said. Youmu reached her hand out to the funnel, and felt it being sucked in. It was pretty powerful, but not enough for her to be worried about losing her hand.

"Wow, is this magic?" Youmu asked.

Sakuya shook her head. "No, actually. I had the kappa help install this system into the mansion, no magic required." Sakuya then spun the vacuum around and pushed it against the carpet, running it along. "Drag it along the carpet, and it will suck up the dust and dirt. It's pretty effective and quick too. Every room gets this treatment every other day."

Sakuya handed the vacuum to Youmu and had her clean the hallway with it. It was intuitive, and Youmu got the hang of it quickly enough. Besides the odd comment here and there about making sure to get into the hard-to-reach areas, Sakuya stayed mostly quiet. Youmu felt uncomfortable in the silence, with Sakuya's gaze dead on her. She tried to focus on the work.

It took awhile for Youmu to finish the entire block, but Sakuya seemed pleased. "The first thing you should work on is making sure you clean thoroughly," she said. "After that, you can work on efficiency."

At Sakuya's instruction, Youmu turned off the vacuum and detached the tube. Sakuya then led her to the adjacent block.

"The second method we use to clean carpets is a deep cleaning. Most rooms only need this once every three months, although blocks that see heavier use I like to do monthly." When they arrived, Sakuya grabbed the bottle off the ground. "The method is called hot water extraction. You can think of it like washing your hair. First, you use shampoo, then you brush your hands through it to get the soap in deep, and then you rinse with hot water. We do the same thing to the carpet." Sakuya swung the jar back and fourth. "This is the chemical we use to precondition the carpet."

Sakuya demonstrated quickly by spraying some of the chemical onto the carpet, getting on her hands and knees and then rubbing the carpet with one of the brushes. Seemed simple enough, and Youmu got the hang of it after a few minutes.

So now Sakuya was staring at Youmu work again, except this time Youmu was on her hands and knees. It was even worse than before. And to add insult to injury, Sakuya was issuing commands every few minutes telling Youmu to scrub harder.

Youmu understood the dog metaphor, now. The only thing missing was a collar around her neck and a leash in Sakuya's hands. Youmu's face flushed red at the thought, and she tried to shake it off and concentrate on her work.

After about twenty minutes, far from Youmu being done, Sakuya started lecturing. She proposed an interesting conundrum to start with: dusting shelves and other furniture causes a lot of the dust to land on the carpet. However, vacuuming kicks up dust which gets on the shelves. The question then, is which to do first when cleaning a room.

Youmu tried to come up with a response, but when she started thinking Sakuya told her to scrub harder. It was hard to divide her attention like that, even with a menial task. So she simply said she didn't know.

Sakuya wasn't bothered. The solution was apparently that it didn't matter—at the frequency the mansion is cleaned, the amount of residual dust is negligible. She followed up by explaining if she really did face the conundrum, all she had to do is multiple passes. Dust, then vacuum, then dust again, until you're satisfied.

After a couple hours, Youmu finished preconditioning and scrubbing the block. It was a lot of floor space. When she stood up and wiped her hands, Sakuya handed her the other tube. It was similar to the vacuum, but a bit larger. "Time for the fun part," she said.

Sakuya explained a bit about the mansion's build-in cleaning system. In one of the basement rooms there were machines that all the block panels were hooked up to, one of them for the surface vacuum, the other for the hot water extraction. This made it easy to perform proper cleaning from anywhere in the entire mansion.

Youmu hooked up the tube to the panel and turned the valve. Sakuya told her that hot water would be sprayed onto the carpet under the funnel, and then immediately sucked back up, taking all the dirt and grime with it. The carpet would still be wet afterwords though, so she advised Youmu to come up with a route so she didn't have to walk over parts she already cleaned.

She took a minute to come up with such a route, then flipped the switch and got to work. Sakuya had been right in that it _was _a little fun. The area she went over the extractor with looked way nicer than the areas she hadn't.

Another hour later, and the job was done. Sakuya smiled as Youmu turned off the machine and unhooked the tube. "Good work," she said. "It takes about four hours for the carpet to dry."

Sakuya snapped her fingers. The carpet instantly dried.

"So, now that that's done, let's return to the hub."

The hub was buzzing with fairy activity, just how they left it. Sakuya placed the vacuums and brushes back in the storage room. When she emerged, she turned Youmu's attention to the board and pointed to a few of the cells.

"We surface cleaned block seventeen and HWE'd block twenty-one. Erase the days in those cells, write Wednesday's date for 17 and two months from now for 21."

Youmu did so. Of all the things she had to endure today, this was simple. Sakuya nodded, and patted Youmu on her head.

"Good work, Youmu," she said. "If you see anything on this board that needs doing, feel free to take care of it. The fairy maids do their part, but usually I have to finish up a good third of the list in the last five minutes of each day. I reset the board at midnight."

"Ah, okay. Chief."

"The mistress will be waking soon. Meet me in the kitchen in half an hour."

With that, Sakuya vanished.

Although Youmu would have liked to spend the next half hour relaxing she didn't actually know how to get to the kitchen. She couldn't really waste any time resting. It was probably just luck, but within fifteen minutes Youmu made it to the kitchen. Sakuya wasn't there, so Youmu decided to sit down at one of the chairs and take a moment to herself.

Working at the mansion was more...uncomfortable than she predicted it would be. She admired Sakuya, but being in her presence made Youmu anxious. She was just so perfect, becoming like her was an unobtainable goal.

But what really bothered Youmu was how embarrassed and nervous she got. She just couldn't pull off that cool demeanor Sakuya always wore. Youmu could only hope that over the next ten weeks, she could control herself a little better.

Sakuya entered the kitchen carrying a book. When she saw Youmu, she headed over and held it out. "Here," she said. "You can consider this a present, or just a textbook. Your choice."

Youmu tilted her head and took the book, reading the cover.

**Cooking For Vampires: Breakfast I**

_Izayoi Sakuya_

"You wrote this...?" Youmu asked. Sakuya nodded as Youmu opened up the book and flipped through the pages. Each spread had a breakfast recipe on the left, and the same recipe but including blood on the right.

"I went over most of the basics of choosing meals yesterday, but it's an art that you'll be working on for the rest of your life. Not even I have mastered every nuance of my mistress's tastes. So I'll start teaching you recipes from here on out, and practice through them. Today we will be making the mistress a yogurt bowl."

Sakuya pulled various fruits from the time-locked cabinets, a tub of yogurt from the fridge, and as always, a vial of blood. She also pulled a sharp knife and set it down before gesturing for Youmu to come over.

"Why do you think we're preparing this meal, Youmu?"

Youmu shrugged. "Because it was hot today?"

Sakuya raised her eyebrow. "Indeed. The mistress has woken up right around sunset today, which means she'll enjoy her breakfast on the balcony. Since the temperature is warm, a cooler breakfast will be appropriate. A yogurt bowl also gives me the opportunity to use some fruits that don't work well with other dishes. For example, bananas are good with almost anything, but peaches not so much."

"I...I was just guessing, chief, I didn't think all that through..."

"I know." Sakuya nodded. "But you should have more faith in your deductions." Sakuya spun the knife in her hand and held the handle out towards Youmu. She took it carefully, and began to peel and cut the fruit.

"No, not like that," Sakuya said and came up behind Youmu. "Here, let me show you."

Youmu's heart started pounding in her chest as Sakuya rested against her back. She gently took Youmu's hand and begun chopping the fruit with it. It was hard for Youmu to concentrate on the technique Sakuya was walking her through when they were so close.

When Sakuya backed off Youmu exhaled. She couldn't bring herself to look up from the fruit, and continued chopping. Next Sakuya showed her how to mix the blood in with the yogurt, and from there it was a simple matter of mixing in the fruit. It was pretty simple to make, and Youmu found the entry in Sakuya's book for it. She was confident she could make it, it was definitely simple.

"Wait," Youmu said when they were done. "Chief, can you explain this part here..." Youmu pointed to part of the book entry on the yogurt bowl. Under the 'blood' ingredient, there was the phrase "type: sweet/light."

Sakuya looked at it and nodded. "According to the mistress, everyone's blood tastes differently. It can be sweet, bitter, spicy...pretty much anything. Obviously we don't want to spike a yogurt bowl with something spicy, so we have to use appropriate-tasting blood for each dish. I have her taste a sample when I get a new source and label accordingly." Sakuya turned to look at Youmu with a strange look. "Now that you mention it, yours would go well with this dish. Sweet, but fleeting."

"Eh? M-My blood...?"

"Maybe next time, no sense in re-making it." Sakuya placed the breakfast on a platter and waltzed out of the kitchen, Youmu quick behind her. Remilia was sitting where Sakuya predicted, on the balcony adjacent to the throne room. The sun must have just gone below the horizon, and the sky was a vibrant orange.

Remilia didn't pay Sakuya nor Youmu any attention and took her breakfast wordlessly. Sakuya bowed and left. Youmu took a look at the sunset, and followed her chief back inside.

"Hey, chief?" Youmu asked. "If I may...what does _your _blood taste like?"

Sakuya grimaced, and her eyes lowered.

"Ah, I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"

"No, it's..." Sakuya sighed. "Remilia has only had my blood once. She...described it as 'toxic.'"

Youmu didn't have a response for that.


	3. Chapter 3

_The Scarlet Devil Mansion is Now Hiring_

**Chapter 3**

The first few weeks of Youmu's apprenticeship focused primarily on cooking and cleaning. She knew that this was far from Sakuya's full scope of responsibilities, but Youmu wasn't complaining. The difference between her and Sakuya was still immense in a painfully obvious way.

When Youmu vacuumed, or dusted, or cleaned the walls, although she felt like she was getting the job done she felt clumsy about it. She sometimes walked back and fourth, stumbled around, and took short rests sitting on the floor. But Sakuya performed the same tasks with such grace and elegance, she was like an angel sweeping away the grime.

Youmu didn't even know where to begin trying to act like that.

"Time to work on your presence, Youmu. It's atrocious."

But she was about to find out.

Sakuya had called her to one of the many hallways and simply stared at her for a few minutes. It made Youmu uncomfortable and she found herself fidgeting.

"See, this is the problem." Sakuya sighed. "You have trouble keeping still." She stepped towards Youmu, grabbed her shoulders and positioned her next to one of the doors. "Back straight, press your legs together, arms down. Put your hands over here, right over left, press them against your apron. Square your shoulders. Keep your chin up..."

Sakuya kept rattling off a list of commands for Youmu in quick succession, and when she wasn't fast enough to do what she said Sakuya grabbed her and forced her into the position. Eventually Sakuya backed off, and Youmu struggled to keep her stance. It was very uncomfortable.

"How much control do you have over your ghost?"

"Perfect, chief. It's incorporeal though, so-"

"Then spread it in an arc above your head," Sakuya said. "Frame your face with it. No, not that much, back it off...yes, that's better. Now stay like that."

It was hard to figure out what Sakuya was doing next. She pulled out a large bell which should not have fit in her uniform by any means, and fixed it to the wall next to Youmu. Then Sakuya reached out and lightly tapped Youmu on the shoulder.

"I've manipulated the space around you, Youmu. If you deviate too far from this stance, this bell will start ringing. The noise will attract attention, I'm sure, so try to keep it down."

"W-Wait, chief, how long do you want me to stand here?"

"I'll come back for you in four hours."

Youmu sighed. She was long since used to the absolutely outrageous demands Sakuya made, but that didn't make them any less difficult. Sakuya walked off, and Youmu was left to stand. For four hours.

The bell went off less than a minute later. And then again another minute. It didn't take very long at all for a few fairy maids to wander over. And as soon as they entered the hallway, Youmu made another mistake and the bell rang. Each ring a reminder how less skilled she was than her mentor.

A group of three fairy maids surrounded Youmu and laughed. "Ha ha, Youmu Youmu, you got the standing punishment~"

"Just a bell?" One asked. "Aww, lucky Youmu. Chief must like you. She uses knives on us..."

As much as she tried to hold the stance, the fairy's constant distraction made it nearly impossible. The bell rang every few seconds. Somehow, Youmu suspected Sakuya planned this. Eventually the fairies got bored and left, but then more showed up, and Youmu had to endure it all over again. Youmu didn't get any time to herself until all the fairies who cared showed up and poked fun.

Once she was alone, Youmu started thinking of her master. She missed Yuyuko. Youmu hadn't seen her at all since she started at the mansion. On her fifth day Yuyuko showed up apparently, but Remilia did not permit them to meet. The reasoning was Youmu was not presentable as a maid of the mansion. It hurt, but Youmu was aware what she was getting into.

Youmu couldn't help but worry if Yuyuko was managing without her. Hopefully Yukari was helping out, but that woman was always so busy. When she wasn't sleeping, that is. Youmu tried to build up the courage to ask Sakuya for any sort of assurance, but the timing never seemed right.

An hour into Youmu's task, her joints started to hurt. There wasn't anything to keep her attention, so she was forced to keep thinking about what she was doing. Which made it harder. It was clear that Sakuya did not have to actively think about her stance, she had practiced it until it was natural. Youmu, however, was not at that level.

Another hour later, a bat flew into the room. For a vampire's mansion, Youmu had seen surprisingly few of them. It probably had something to do with how clean the mansion was. They couldn't make nests or whatever it was that bats did. Youmu didn't know much about bats.

The bat flew around the room a little bit, and then landed on Youmu's head. She shook her head to try to get it off, but not only did the bat not leave, the bell started ringing. So the bat stayed. It hopped off her head onto her shoulders, strutted around a little bit, and then flew down to her legs.

At the very least, it provided Youmu with something to look at while standing. It was less distracting then the fairies, although it was disturbing when it started crawling up her leg. To her relief it flew off before it climbed all the way up her thigh.

Sakuya arrived exactly four hours since she left, and tapped Youmu on the shoulder again. "Good work."

Youmu collapsed to the floor immediately, and Sakuya frowned. "Sorry..." Youmu said, still lying on the ground.

"Well, to be perfectly honest Youmu, you're doing far better than I predicted. The fairies made some bets on how long you would make it, I think only two bet on the entire duration."

"You guys were betting on me...?"

"I wouldn't have allowed it, but the mistress got involved. You kept your composure during her visit superbly."

It took a minute for Youmu to register what Sakuya just said. Remilia hadn't visited, the only people who had visited were fairies, and a _bat. _Youmu went pale at the realization. "W-Wait, that was the mistress?"

Sakuya nodded. "Take a few minutes to yourself, and then come to the parlor. We haven't even begun to cover walking."

Luckily there wasn't another four-hour task for Youmu to complete, Sakuya simply went over the proper way to walk. The phrase she used was "Maids do not shuffle. They glide." Youmu was told that from now on, any time she is standing or walking she should do it properly.

Sakuya was careful not to hit Youmu with too much at once, but every day she was now taught the "proper" way to handle herself during her work. Cooking, cleaning, and everything else took her twice as long and her body ended up aching afterwords.

But even though Youmu felt herself getting a bit better at handling herself, Sakuya could still manage to break it with simple distractions. The problem was her emotions got the better of her rather easily, which Sakuya took advantage of relentlessly. It became clear that the tactic of poking at the chinks in the armor wasn't fixing them.

"Youmu, as long as you keep reacting like this, it's clear your presence is just in illusion. It has to be real."

Sakuya had just flipped up Youmu's skirt, whose natural reaction was to desperately try to hold it down, completely breaking her pose. Of everything Sakuya asked of her, Youmu couldn't get over this aspect of her personality.

"I'm sorry, chief."

"I've been trying to desensitize you to it, but that hasn't worked. I don't think aggressiveness works for fixing this sort of problem, so I admit I'm at a loss. If you cannot get over this, you won't pass."

"I'm sorry, chief. I'll try to do better."

Sakuya shook her head. "I'll come up with something. For now, just continue on maintaining your posture while you work."

The next morning, after Remilia went to bed, Sakuya left the mansion. There was a major drop in tension for the fairy maids, many of them simply stopped working. Youmu couldn't really blame them—with the mistress asleep and the chief gone, there was no one watching.

Youmu couldn't resist taking advantage of the small reprieve either. She didn't go so far as to _slack off, _exactly, but she worked less hard than she otherwise would. She mostly spent the day dusting or vacuuming or knocking off some of the other things she's learned off the day's board. Things were getting less done than usual.

For the life of her, Youmu had no idea what to do about controlling her emotions. It was far from a "flaw," but Sakuya made it clear it was not wanted in maid work. Back home Yuyuko teased her and seemed to enjoy her reactions—not that Youmu felt the same way—so even though it was embarrassing Youmu didn't _really _mind. But now there was this sense of self-loathing that came along with the embarrassment.

And that killed. Because it turned out she couldn't really keep that small immature part of her under control, even when she tried.

"Hey, who are you?"

A sweet voice called from behind Youmu as she dusted a table. She didn't recognize it, and turned around.

"Do you want to play with me?"

It had been over a month since Youmu had gotten the lecture, but she recalled it perfectly. The girl standing before her with tree-branch wings from which hung diamonds. Flandre Scarlet. The girl who could destroy even a ghost.

Youmu's heart raced and it took all of her self control not to react. She made a deep bow to obscure her fear. "I-I'm terribly sorry, Miss F-Flandre, but Sakuya would get angry with me." Protocol: blame Sakuya or Remilia.

Flandre frowned. "Awww... I like playing with new friends. Who're you, anyways?"

"Konpaku Youmu, miss. I'm a maid here."

"Oh. Hahaha," Flandre scratched her head. "I guess I should have guessed from your clothes, huh? Where is Sakuya, then? Usually she shows up by now..."

Youmu was suddenly reminded how bad the situation really was. Sakuya was _gone. _Remilia was asleep. A cold sweat dripped down Youmu's forehead. "I'm sorry, Miss Flandre, but the chief is gone for today. I'm sure she'll be back in a few hours."

"Ehh? She's gone?" Flandre smiled. "Then she won't find out if we play a little, right? Come on, it'll be fun!"

It was like navigating a minefield. Youmu only had seconds to come up with a response, and she needed to escape.

"S-Sorry, Miss Flandre, I really can't..." Youmu saw a darker look come across Flandre's face, and Youmu waved her arms back and fourth. "Aaahhh, how about I make it up to you? Do you want me to bake you something?"

"Oooh, that sounds good. Make some cookies! With chocolate chips, and marshmallows." Flandre smiled.

Disaster averted, but danger still loomed. Youmu hadn't escaped, she'd just...delayed. Flandre followed her to the kitchen and watched as Youmu prepared the sweets. She threw out any notion of trying to maintain her posture. Somehow, she thought Sakuya would forgive her.

Then she got a good idea. "Ah, Miss Flandre, these cookies will take a little while to bake. Do you think Meiling would like some?"

"Oh yeah! I can't believe I forgot about her, she should have some."

Youmu nodded. "I'll go get her, then."

Flandre gave Youmu a wave as she left. Once Youmu closed the door, she exhaled a deep breath and did her best not to flat-out sprint towards the mansion's exit. She found Meiling shamelessly sleeping by the gate and Youmu considered what to do for a moment before deciding on urgency.

Youmu grabbed Meiling by the shoulders and shook her until she woke up. Meiling shot up, grabbed Youmu by her arms and slammed her on the ground.

"Ah, sorry Youmu." Meiling shrugged after she got a hold of her bearings. "What's wrong?"

"Miss...Flandre..." Youmu said between gasps for air. Meiling had slammed her to the ground pretty hard.

"Wow, today of all days huh?" Meiling reached out an arm and helped Youmu to her feet.

"Yeah. Umm, I said I'd make her some cookies, and now she's in the kitchen. I told her you'd want some, so here I am...and the cookies are baking..."

Meiling put a hand on Youmu's shoulder, and pounded the other against her chest. "Don't worry, Youmu, leave everything to me. For now, let's go back and you can finish those cookies."

Youmu followed Meiling back into the mansion, and only just managed to control the trembling of her hands. Flandre was still in the kitchen, and ran up to hug Meiling when she entered.

"Meiling!"

"Haha, hello Flan." Meiling patted her on the head. "Youmu said she was making cookies."

Flandre nodded, and Youmu scooted herself over to the oven so she could finish. She felt better with someone else around, way better. She spun a dial on the front of the oven, another one of Sakuya's little time-devices, to finish the cookies off immediately.

Youmu was fairly good at cooking, comparatively, and Sakuya had given her a couple more of her cookbooks. So at the very least, she was confident these cookies would taste good. She also pulled out a sauce bowl and whipped together a mixture of cream, milk and blood for Flandre to dip her cookies in.

"Mmmm~" Flandre said after taking a bit. "These are really good, just as good as Sakuya's!"

Youmu bowed. "Thank you."

Meiling took a bite, without the blood dip. "Oh yeah. Chocolate _and _marshmallows?"

While the two of them enjoyed their sweets, Youmu tried to make herself as invisible as possible. Meiling seemed to gradually steer the conversation to get Flandre talking about herself. Youmu couldn't quite follow the conversation, but it worked. Flandre mentioned she got her hands on something called a "core rulebook," which Meiling asked to see.

"Oh, Youmu," Meiling said. "Can you guard the gate for me while Flan and I hang out?"

"Of course," Youmu said. She silently thanked Meiling for throwing her that bone, and immediately left the mansion to go guard the gate.

Her heart stopped beating so fast after she got out there, and stood properly by the gate. It was a nice day, something Youmu did not get to experience in the mansion. She lost track of time after the first hour, but it was nice to be able to watch the sun trek across the sky. By the time Sakuya returned, Youmu had almost forgotten the reason she had been standing outside.

Sakuya raised her brow when she saw Youmu. "What are you doing?"

Youmu bowed. "I'm sorry. I encountered Miss Flandre earlier today...Meiling is handling her now."

"I see," Sakuya said. "Are you alright?"

"Ah, yes." Youmu nodded. "I was pretty scared though, to be honest..."

There was a brief moment of silence as Sakuya looked at Youmu. "You seem remarkably calm, considering," she said.

Youmu shrugged. "I like it here, by the gate. It reminds me of my guard duties back home."

Sakuya walked past and gestured for Youmu to follow her back into the mansion. Youmu was dropped off in her room while Sakuya said she would talk to Flandre and Meiling. It was probably the longest stretch of time she actually spent in her room, since Youmu didn't need to sleep. Her room was nearly as bare as it was the day she arrived. The bed was still made.

When Sakuya returned, she said that everything was fine. Flandre would be up and about for the next day, but wouldn't bother Youmu. "How was your trip, chief?" Youmu asked.

"Helpful. I consulted an old acquaintance about how to help you control your emotions."

Youmu frowned. "I'm sorry for being such a bother..."

Sakuya shook her head. "No, it was nice to see her again. In any case, her suggestion was to give you daily injections..." Youmu's face went white. "...but that's her solution for everything. In any case, the better solution is not so extreme. According to her, 'desensitization works best when the subject is in a relaxed state of mind, and the stimulus is gradually induced.'"

"How do we do that?"

"You said you felt home at the gate. Do you think you would be relaxed if I gave you a sort of guard duty, opposed to the tasks you have now?"

Youmu gave a long bow. "If you think it is best, but if I may, chief. I do not think I require training to be a gate guard, I am here to become a maid." Although, all Youmu really wanted was to become more like _Sakuya, _specifically.

Sakuya smiled at that. "Oh, this is part of a maid too. There is so much more you must learn. I'm simply...accelerating the schedule."

There wasn't any elaboration on that until the following day after Remilia woke and Flandre went back to her room. Youmu found it kind of amusing how the two strongest creatures in the mansion were the only ones limited by sleep, but Youmu didn't dare say it to their faces. Or anyone else for that matter.

Youmu set down Remilia's breakfast in front of her, a ham and egg sandwich on an English muffin. After she finished, Sakuya bowed and stood in front of her mistress.

"Mistress Remilia, I would like to assign Youmu to serve you from now on."

Remilia leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "I'm surprised you would give up that responsibility, Sakuya. Is she ready?"

"I'm sorry, mistress, she is not. But I think starting her early would be more beneficial, if you would be so generous as to grant her the chance."

Youmu didn't know how to react at all to this, so she just stood where she was not making a peep. Remilia quietly laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. "Of course she can. I appreciate your formality, but did you honestly expect me to say no?"

"No, I did not." Sakuya said with a smile. Youmu had the feeling these two were far closer than their distant speech would imply. Sakuya walked over to Youmu, who wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. "Alright, Youmu, your duties are simple today. In essence, you are to stand by the mistress's side. Protect her from harm, keep out intruders and serve her every whim."

Sakuya then went into a brief five minute lesson on where the proper places to stand were, depending on the occasion and what Remilia was doing. It was very general, and Sakuya said it was really more important Youmu figure out where the best spot to be herself. She'd learn more that way.

Remilia had no objections and the glint in her eye told Youmu she was probably looking forward to it.

Scariest of all was that after Sakuya was done, she left. Apparently two maids were too much, so she would handle the rest of the mansion. That made Youmu a little nervous, but Sakuya had been right in the way that counted: this was something Youmu felt good at. Guarding.

She was also curious what Remilia actually _did _every day. She obviously didn't clean or cook or do any maintenance like everyone else, but Youmu couldn't figure out what there was left to do for actual entertainment.

Not much, apparently.

The first two hours of Remilia's day were spent staring at the fireplace. She hardly moved except to adjust her seat for that entire time. Youmu was immensely curious what she was thinking about, but knew it wouldn't be proper to ask. All she could do was throw logs on the fire when it needed them.

Remilia eventually stood up and walked directly past Youmu, without even giving her a glance. Youmu silently followed her to her study, and after a look around decided to stand against the wall behind Remilia's desk.

A few more hours went by of Remilia taking notes on something or other. Youmu tried to see what she was writing, but it wasn't in a language Youmu understood. She could see Remilia drawing abstract graphs, though. The kinds with nodes and edges.

Finally came lunch. Remilia seemed to lighten up as Youmu brought out a thin burger with a side of fruit. "So, Youmu, has Sakuya been treating you well?" She asked between bites.

Youmu nodded. "She pushes me to work hard, but isn't cruel or anything."

"You must not have made any major mistakes then," Remilia said. "She appreciates a good work ethic. Me, on the other hand..." Remilia stood up and picked a strawberry off her tray. She turned around to face Youmu and gently but firmly grabbed her chin. "I prefer my servants to struggle."

Remilia took the strawberry and slowly pushed it into Youmu's mouth. On reflex Youmu tried to turn away, but Remilia's grip kept her in place. She tried not to gag.

"Good, isn't it Youmu?" Remilia asked and pulled away her hand. It wasn't—the strawberries were dipped in a blood sauce—but Youmu nodded anyways and swallowed. "Ahh, excellent. You're quite fun to tease, Youmu. I think I'll make the most of it before Sakuya beats it out of you."

Remilia spun back around and continued her lunch. Youmu took a few deep breaths and tried to shake off what just happened. Yuyuko pulled stuff like that all the time, but somehow Remilia was far more sinister at it. Though in a strange way, it reminded her of home.

After lunch Remilia took a stroll around her garden. It was hard for Youmu to really enjoy the plants in the dead of night, but Remilia could see just fine. Except for the odd comment here and there about the flowers or the moonlight, Remilia didn't say much.

But that was okay. Youmu was starting to understand Sakuya, just a little. Keeping watch over Remilia and making sure she was satisfied was fulfilling. Youmu had purpose. And although she held no special feelings for Remilia Scarlet, she could imagine how happily Sakuya, who _does _hold those feelings_, _performs this duty.


	4. Chapter 4

_The Scarlet Devil Mansion is Now Hiring_

**Chapter 4**

The day of Youmu's final exam arrived.

She had stressed about it for the entire two weeks leading up to it, but Sakuya never revealed what it would be until the day before. The apprenticeship had gone well, or at least according to Youmu, but somehow she didn't feel at all prepared for the final exam Sakuya conjured up.

The mansion would be hosting a dinner party, and most of Gensokyo's big names were invited. Including Yuyuko. Youmu was dying to see her again, but wasn't sure whether her presence would throw her off her game at the critical moment.

Youmu would have to take care of everything, including the prep, the cleaning, the cooking, serving the guests, and anything else. And, of course, Sakuya would be "unavailable" during the entire day. If Youmu could handle the entire event while maintaining her composure as a maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, she would pass.

True to her word, Sakuya had mysteriously vanished the day of the exam. Despite her anxiety, Youmu didn't have any problems during the first half of the day. The preparations for the feast were simple enough since no one was watching.

That time went by quickly though, and before long Youmu had to wake Remilia up. She wished to get up earlier than usual, so Youmu had to wake her in person.

Sakuya had trained her in this, naturally. At the proper time Youmu softly entered Remilia's room and turned the gas lights on. Remilia didn't wake up just from that, so Youmu sat down by her bedside and gently rocked her. After tossing and turning, Remilia spun around and grabbed Youmu's arm.

"Good morning, mistress. The guests should start arriving in a few hours for your dinner party."

Remilia grumbled and rubbed her eyes, releasing Youmu's arm. Youmu helped her sit up in her king-sized bed. Considering Remilia's petite frame, it was a strange sight to behold. From there, Youmu walked Remilia through her normal morning routine. Sakuya was usually the one to do this, but now it was Youmu's responsibility.

Ninety minutes later the door knocker echoed throughout the mansion, signaling the arrival of the first guest. It caught Youmu off guard since it was half an hour earlier than she expected. But she fixed her uniform, strode up to the front door and was ready to do everything Sakuya had trained her to do. She turned the knob and prepared to greet her first guest.

Her words stuck in her mouth.

The guest wore a long silk dress—black, with a pattern of gears in gray—that stretched down to her high heels. Her shoulders were bare except for the dress's straps, and her white locks of hair framed her face in a way such that Youmu almost didn't recognize who she was looking at.

"I, uh, I don't...Sakuya..?"

Sakuya chuckled. "I'll let that one slide. Want to take your one do-over?"

Youmu cleared her throat. "Ahem, welcome to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Miss Izayoi. Allow me to show you to our lounge."

It felt kind of strange leading Sakuya, but Youmu was grateful for the little "practice run." They went to the lounge, and Sakuya walked over and sat next to Remilia on one of the couches. Youmu stood next to the door and checked the fireplace to make sure the fire was still going.

"Ah, my dear friend, how long has it been?" Remilia asked.

Sakuya smirked. "Years, I'm sure. Must have been that time in Venice, if I recall."

"Oh no, I do remember a more recent scuffle with that blonde vampire in Scotland. You know the one, she slipped through your fingers and ran off to the east."

"Ran off? Last time I checked she was trapped in a school." Sakuya replied. The two of them went on like this for a little bit. Youmu had absolutely no idea if they were doing this show for her benefit, or if they were actually reminiscing. But before too long, the knocker rang again and Youmu had to greet the guests for real.

"Welcome to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Miss Hakurei."

Reimu's reaction was to snort. "Wow, alright Sakuya Junior. Food's free, right?"

Youmu smiled. "Of course. Allow me to show you to the lounge."

The guests slowly filed in after that. Alice showed up next, then Yukari and her familiars, the satori and some of her pets, Sanae, even Rumia.

And finally, of course, Yuyuko.

"Welcome to the Scarlet-"

"Youmu~" Yuyuko tackled Youmu to the ground in a bear hug. Youmu was being squeezed so tight she could hardly breath. "Youmu, I missed you!"

Even though she knew she was being tested, Youmu couldn't resist hugging Yuyuko back. "So have I. I'm glad to see you, but, er, if you wouldn't mind..."

It took about another minute for Yuyuko to actually release Youmu and let her stand on her own two feet.

"Please allow me to show you the results of my efforts, Lady Yuyuko." Youmu said, trying to put on the proper demeanor.

"You're so cute, Youmu~" Yuyuko said, draping her arms over Youmu's shoulders. Youmu sighed, and showed Yuyuko into the mansion anyways. Hopefully Sakuya wouldn't penalize her for this...she wasn't responsible for the actions of the guests, was she?

Yuyuko wasn't as much of a complication as Youmu expected, but she certainly drew attention to herself and Youmu. Which was the opposite of what maids were supposed to do, so as much as it pained Youmu to leave, she bowed and exited the lounge.

A few more guests arrived, and Youmu decided it was time to announce dinner was ready. The truth was it had _been _ready for at least an hour and time-locked to remain fresh, but that detail wasn't necessary to share. Only Sakuya knew it, and maybe Remilia.

Youmu brought a triangle into the lounge, and rang it once to gather attention. Once everyone quieted, she bowed. "Dinner is ready, please make your way to the dining room."

Reimu practically shoved Youmu over in her haste to get there. The others were more subtle, and once everyone was situated Youmu brought out the food. She couldn't do it with as much showmanship as Sakuya could, but she did her best.

The hardest part was pouring drinks. It was the one task that can go horribly wrong. A simple bump or shove and a guest's clothes could be stained, ruining their entire night. Youmu went around and poured everyone the drink of their choosing, being meticulous not to spill a single drop.

It occurred to Youmu after about twenty minutes she had no idea what the guests were talking about. She was so focused on making sure everyone had what they wanted, the conversations turned to white noise. This turned out to be her first major mistake.

"Youmu!" Remilia said sharply. Youmu spun towards Remilia. "I do not enjoy repeating myself."

Youmu bowed low. "Please forgive me, mistress."

Remilia held up her empty wine glass, and Youmu walked as quickly as she could to refill it. She glanced at Sakuya as she did so, but she seemed not to be paying any attention. It would be foolish for Youmu to assume that, though.

Once the guests finished dinner, Youmu announced that dessert would be served in ten minutes. The guests seemed very satisfied as Youmu cleaned up their dishes and removed the leftovers from the table, returning it to a clean state.

For dessert Youmu prepared a two-layer chocolate and vanilla cake. The smaller top layer was laced with blood while the larger bottom was not. Youmu brought it out, and cut everyone (who wanted one) a piece. Youmu had prepared alternate desserts for those who did not want cake, and placed a tray of butter cookies and a tray of muffins on the table as well.

Reimu seemed to gobble up some of everything. Youmu had never pegged her as a glutton, but she was certainly acting like one. The others were a little more refined, but Youmu couldn't help but notice only Remilia, Yukari and Satori ate elegantly like noblewomen.

Once everyone finished their dessert, Remilia stood up from the table and tapped her spoon against her glass a few times.

"Thank you for coming, everyone," she said. "It feels wrong to pay so little attention to our guest of honor, so I believe it appropriate to finally speak on it." Remilia turned to Youmu, and gestured for her to step up. Youmu didn't know what to do but comply. "Youmu here is in an apprenticeship with Sakuya, as you all know by now. This feast acts as her final examination. So, Sakuya, how did she do?"

Sakuya rose from her seat. "Konpaku Youmu," she said and turned towards her. "Your first day I told you that you would have two hours per day on break. I said this with the full expectation that you would take six."

"...what?"

"But you didn't. You did exactly what I said, and have been continuously working for nearly your entire time here. I gave you task lists assuming you would complete about half, but every time you completed all of them, or only missed one or two. I gave you textbooks assuming they would go unread, and yet again I was wrong."

Youmu's mouth hung open. "Wait, wait, I..I was working too hard?"

"I wouldn't say that," Sakuya said. "You made plenty of mistakes tonight. They are mistakes that only I likely noticed, but they were mistakes all the same. Your stance never stuck and you always had to readjust. The food was imperfect. You didn't serve the guests in the proper order nor did you properly judge their preferences. And it was clear you were not keeping up with the conversation when Remilia had to repeat herself. You are not even close to reaching your potential."

Sakuya stepped away from her chair and walked around the table towards Youmu and Remilia. Youmu sucked in her breath when Sakuya stepped towards her and placed her hand on Youmu's shoulder.

"That being said, this event was run with all the elegance and charm this mansion demands. You have exceeded all of my expectations, Konpaku Youmu, and there wasn't a chance you would fail today. Congratulations, you pass."

It took a moment for the words to register in Youmu's brain. When they did, she threw away all restraint and embraced Sakuya. The crowd gasped when Sakuya returned it.

"Woo, we're rich!" Exclaimed Yuyuko. The others laughed and started applauding Youmu. She reluctantly let go of Sakuya and turned back to the guests, giving one long bow.

"Here, this is for you," said Sakuya. She pulled from behind her back a present wrapped in black paper with white ribbons. Youmu stared at Sakuya and gingerly accepted it.

"M...may I?" Youmu asked. Sakuya nodded, and she began to undo the wrapping. Inside was a book, the cover simply reading "_For Youmu." _She flipped through some of the pages. "What is this, exactly?"

Sakuya smiled. "I taught you how to serve in this mansion, but made no effort in teaching you how to serve your master at the Hakugyokuro. I detailed everything you need to know, such as how to clean tatami mats and thinner walls. There are also a few things specific to you that I never got the chance to teach."

Youmu skimmed some of the pages, and then closed the book and bowed. "Thank you," she said. "I...what this means to me, I..."

"I understand," Sakuya said. "And you are always welcome back here, Youmu."

Remilia raised her glass. "I'll drink to that," she said. "Come back soon now, Youmu."

Sakuya handed Youmu a glass, and everyone clinked their glasses in the toast. Youmu beamed.

"I will!"


End file.
